Stop--Hammer Time!
Remember that really weird black guy with glasses that sold so many of his crappy, processed pizzas to poor fat people that he never had time to read books or learn anything worth a damn--and got so rich and bored he ran for President of the United States. Remember him? No, no, not Obama. Herman Pee-wee or something… Yes, Herman Cain—that’s right! Remember his hilarious 9-9-9 plan? Someone would ask him about complicated things like healthcare, and he’d simply repeat “9-9-9”. Someone would ask him his outlook on global warming, he’d mumble “9-9-9”. Someone would tell him his zipper was down and his feet were on fire…Herman Cain would first look down in glorious Palen-esque stupidity---and slowly back up with those creepy curled lips and a poop-eating grin: “9-9-9!” Well, Herman Cain was a real jack ass. He stole my ideas of having nines rule the world. But he was MY jack ass. Sigh. Gosh that man was violently dumb. Alas, this was just a long way to go for me to say that I use a 9-9-9 system to rate all audiobooks I listen to. I rate all of them 1 through 9 in three main categories: sound quality, reader ability, and book content. After all, as Herman Cain once bloviated: “a three-legged wood stool cannot stand if one of the legs is short or long…or made out of hot dog meat. Or hair.” Okay, well, he could have said it. Kill Me Darling had my highest combined rating ever—a 26! I gave it a 8-9-9 in the three categories I’ve mentioned. It’s the closest I’ve come to giving the legendary HC (Herman Cain) Gold Stamp of Approval…3 nines, all right next to each other. Me giving 3 nines is rarer than 3 unicorns standing side-by-side right next to each other. Number sorcery, unicorns, Herman Cain…Kill Me Darling, the latest Mike Hammer novel read by Stacy Keach, is that frickin’ good. I mean, the dude feeds two junkies that try to kill him on a boat to sharks, then slaps the compromised captain across the face and tells him “I’m the captain now”, before getting info out of him and also feeding HIM to the sharkies. Sorry for the spoiler—but this S@#$ is good! 9-9-9! 9-9-9! 9-9-9! We inch ever closer to that reality…